Merry Merries!

My favorite Christmas Joke

This is my absolute favorite Christmas Joke. I first heard it back in the early 80's, when it was faxed from office to office (pre-email days).

December 14, 2006
My dearest darling John:
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure.
Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.

My love always,

Agnes

December 15, 2006
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift.
They are just adorable.

All my love,

Agnes

December 16, 2006
Dear John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens.
They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.

All my love,

Agnes

December 17, 2006
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough.
You are being too romantic.

Affectionately,

Agnes

December 18, 2006
Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it.
Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love,

Agnes

December 19, 2006
Dear John:
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps.
So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them?
The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.

Cordially,

Agnes

December 20, 2006
John:
What's with you and those freaking birds??
Seven swans a swimming. What kind of fucking joke is this?
There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny.
So stop those freaking birds.

Sincerely,

Agnes

December 21, 2006
OK. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking?
It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass.

Agnes

December 22, 2006
Hey Shithead:
What are you.....some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning.
The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.

You'll get yours !

Agnes

December 23, 2006
You rotten jerk::
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies.
They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit.
The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm calling the police on you !

Agnes

December 24, 2006
Listen Shithead:
What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maid and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again.
Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows.
All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.

You're sworn enemy,

Agnes

December 25, 2006
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein.
The destruction, of course, was total.
All correspondence should come to our attention.
If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a restraining order prohibiting you from any contact with our client. Also, we have forwarded this to the ASPCA and PETA, who are interested in the trampling death of the 23 birds.

Cordially,

Law Offices of Dewey,.Cheetum, and Howell

Tags Christmas Jokes

Christmas Songs

There are Christmas songs that I like. There are ones that I hate. And there are ones that are annoying.

But there is only one song that I both love and hate, or course not at the same time.

I'll be home for Christmas
You can count on me
Please have snow and mistletoe
and presents on the tree

Christmas Eve will find me
Where the love light gleams
I'll be home for Christmas
If only in my dreams

Now look at those lyrics. This is not a happy song. The person singing is NOT coming home for Christmas, and depending upon your interpretation, may never come home. He is asking that the holiday traditions continue in his absense, giving him some solace in his loneliness.

It is a sad and poignant song; one that reminds that holidays are more than just days off, parties and gifts. It reminds that it is the traditions that holds families together, even when they are not geographically together.

So when this song is sung with a snappy, upbeat rhythm; when the singer is happy; when it implies that the person is actually coming home; I get torqued.

Don't these people listen to the words?

I know the answer, they don't. I also knew someone who played "When a Man Loves a Woman" at their wedding for their first dance.

No surprises here

Your Political Profile:

Overall: 10% Conservative, 90% Liberal

Social Issues: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

Personal Responsibility: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

Fiscal Issues: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

Ethics: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

Defense and Crime: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

How Liberal Or Conservative Are You?

And, Somehow, A Good Day

Depression is a funny thing. (see post below) My daughter told me not worry, because depression is all in my head (she was being serious). Then she said that maybe something good will happen today.

And, of course, she was correct.

I'm published.

Not how I expected, but published is published. My first submission as a free lance writer was published today in one of the local newspapers. Hopefully, this is the first of many pieces they pick up. It's not my novel nor one of my short stories, and journalism is not the same as fiction, but I'm reporting on kids' sports, and my novel is about kids' sports.

But still, it means that someone, other than my mother, likes my writing. And that is a good thing.

Bad Day

Last year I posted about December 7th.

Today would have been my 10th wedding anniversary, if in fact, my husband had lived. He died from Cancer 6 months after we were married, so I never had an anniversary.

When I read my post from last year, I realized that I was depressed and morose when I wrote that. And a little bit angry too.

This year I went through that on the anniversary of his death. Now that the wedding day has come, I feel sad, but not devastated, as I did last June.

Funny how what I expected to upset me didn't, and what I didn't expect to did.

Who Else Would I Be?

Which RENT character are you?

Of Coffee and Potatoes

Now I'm not saying that I'm not at fault. Perhaps it really is my fault, but if it is, I just don't understand. Not that this would be anything new. I went through most of my school years not getting "it". I always felt that I had missed the memo that detailed fashion, music, behavior and slang that would have kept me from being out of synch, socially, with my peers.

So maybe I missed the shopping memo too.

It started in Starbucks. Now I sincerely enjoy a good latte, and Starbucks comes pretty close, but it is just a bit too smooth and creamy for me. I've tried with skim milk, but then you lose the frothiness. I've found that extra expresso gives it the bitterness that I enjoy in my coffee, so that's what I ordered.

Me: I'd like a medium latte with an extra shot of expresso.
Counter Girl 1: It already has two shots of expresso.
Me: OK, I'd like an extra one.
Counter Girl 1: You want three shots?
Me: Yes.
Counter Girl 1: Three?
Me: Yes.
Counter Girl 1 (to Counter Girl 2, who was making the coffee drinks): Medium Latte with and extra shot of expresso.
Counter Girl 2: Three shots?
Counter Girl 1 (cocking her head at me): She wants three.
Counter Girl 2 just shakes her head.

Now perhaps I broke some coffee ordering protocol. I know some of the counter people get annoyed because I won't order using the words Tall, Grande, and Venti. Perhaps three shots of expresso in a latte is tantamount to ordering red wine with ice. I don't know.

I would have just dismissed that if I hadn't had another shopping incident. I was checking out of the grocery store and the clerk was checking out and bagging.

Clerk: Do you have anymore produce?
Me (Obviously I don't load the groceries on the conveyor belt correctly either): No, that's it.
Clerk: You don't have any potatoes.
Me: Not this week.
Clerk: You're not buying potatoes?
Me (now I'm started with feel the need to justify my purchases): I have pasta and rice.
Clerk (Quite discussed): But no potatoes!

I was about to tell her that I bought a 5 lb bag last week and still had enough left, when I realized that I didn't need to explain my choices to the check-out clerk. I smiled and paid, wondering if, once again, I'd broken some sort of shopping rule.

If anyone has those lost memos, please send me a copy.

latte
potatoes
Starbucks

One more Thanksgiving Post

On black friday, darling daughter and her dearest sister went shopping. One of the items they bought was a gingerbread house kit.

This is what they got:






They were quite proud.

another silly quiz (I love these things!)

You are The High Priestess

Science, Wisdom, Knowledge, Education.

The High Priestess is the card of knowledge, instinctual, supernatural, secret knowledge. She holds scrolls of arcane information that she might, or might not reveal to you. The moon crown on her head as well as the crescent by her foot indicates her willingness to illuminate what you otherwise might not see, reveal the secrets you need to know. The High Priestess is also associated with the moon however and can also indicate change or fluxuation, particularily when it comes to your moods.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Thanksgiving Day Nor'easter

Anyone who lives on the east coast is aware of the Nor'easter that blew through. Here in Pennsy, we had some hellacious rain, but that was all.

However, at my sister's house, in Ocean City, NJ, there was some serious flooding. By Thanksgiving, the storm had passed, but the flooding (always the fun part of nor'easters) was still there, as indicated in these pics:
This is outside my sister's house. You'll notice that in the center of the street, there is a higher area.
The water in the foreground of the pic is the ocean; the water on the far side is the bay.
This is not the first time that I've seen this; however, Darling Daughter and her Dearest Sister had never seen flooding like this. I had to tell them that this isn't bad, I can remember taking a row boat down these streets.

And people ask me why I left the shore.




Tags: Thanksgiving
Tags: nor'+easterTags: family
Tags:


Ocean City, NJ

Happy Thanksgiving

In the interest of fairness, here is the opposing point of view:

Heard of Deer?

Lou: Look at that bunch of deer in the yard.
Bud: It's a herd of deer.
Lou: What?
Bud: Herd of deer.
Lou: Of course I heard of deer, we got a bunch in the back yard.










How many deer does it take to make a herd? I have four who have decided that my backyard is a great place to graze. I wanted to post a picture of them, but that is problematic, as I have to take the picture first, and the deer are, apparently, camera shy.

I've lived here a year, and although I've seen bunnies, and squirrels, and chipmonks, and possibly a bear, but I never saw any deer.

Then last week, I saw one. Actually, my dog saw it first. She got into a "pointer pose" which is odd for a beagle. Then she took a step and pointed with the other foot, the entire time glancing at me as if I should do something about the deer.

The deer looked at the dog as if to say, "What do you think you are doing? I'm bigger than you!" Then the deer took off up the ridge. Buttercup looked at me, and said "No, that's too big for you." She seemed to understand.

Then two days ago, we saw four deer. They were eating my compost (I had just made chicken soup and the compost pile was full of vegtible ends). Buttercup was very upset, but not enough to give chase. Perhaps she realizes that, while technically she is a gun dog, she is only supposed to chase smaller prey animals. I tried to get my camera, but they were back into the trees before I could get a pic.

I've been seeding the compost with veggies, hoping the deer come back. All the land around me is posted "No Hunting", so they are safe here. I'm hoping they are here when we have snowfall.

Deer in the snow. Now that would be a picture worth taking.

Tags: deer
Tags: beagle

Wow

I haven't blogged in a long time! Unfortunately, blogging is low on my priority list, and recently I had a high priority item occupying my time.

I finished my book and set it off to an agent who wanted a full.

In reality, it didn't happen like that. I met an agent at a writer's con and for reasons that still bewilder me, instead of pitching one of the 4 manuscripts I have completed, I pitched an unfinished one.

Of course she requested the full manuscript, so I had to finish the sucker and get it to her. Now I'm waiting impatiently for her response.

It is tentatively titled: Best Friends 4 NEver. It's a children's chapter book, geared to the 9-11 girls/early reader market. I'm keeping my fingers crossed and trying not to get too excited about this, but that's hard.

So I'm just waiting.

Tags: Writing
Tags: publishing

More Random Thoughts

I read over my last entry and I realized that it is a rambling mess. I considered editing, but it did reflect accurately how I felt.

My daughter's best friend slept over last night. I usually don't allow sleepovers on school nights, but this was a favor to the mother. They choose to sleep in the family room. Every October, our neighborhood is infested with these little black and red flying bugs. I don't know what they are, but they don't bite and by November (or the first frost) they are gone. Unfortunately, they have decided that my daughter's room is the optimum entry point to our house. I killed as many as I could and we cleaned them up, but Darling Daughter still didn't want to sleep in there. They both slept on the floor because they were too lazy to use the inflatable mattress and I was too annoyed at this point to argue.

My dog thought this was entirely too odd to go without investigation, so I had to keep her out of the room. When I woke the girls this morning, the dog ran over to where they had slept and laid herself down. After about 3 minutes, she realized that the floor wasn't that comfortable and retired to the sofa. She had an extremely confused look, and I'm sure she was wondering why the girls thought the floor was a good idea when there was a comfortable couch in the room.

The dog, Buttercup, has some odd habits of her own. The strangest is when I take her outside, she must, everytime, without exception, walk the perimeter of our property, sniffing each blade of grass. We don't have a fence, and her ideas of where our property ends is a little fuzzy. In fact, I'm pretty sure she is trying to annex the neighbors' yards as part of her patrol.

I have been trying to declutter my house and my life. It's hard. I'm a packrat by nature and I always think I'm going to need something in the future, or possibly sell it. I'm starting with books. JA Konrath is asking, via his blog, for people to send books to a buddy of his in Iraq.

Now this is easy. While I have trouble throwing away my books that I don't want anymore, giving them away seems like a great idea. Who doesn't have books lying around? Send yours off too!

We Grieve

We grieve for the Amish families who lost their daughters in the tragic school shooting. While all school shootings are tragic, this one strikes me as demonic. The Amish. They are the plain folks, or Plain Dutch as people in my area (the Fancy Dutch) call them. Of course, they are all of German descent, Pennsylvania Dutch being a bastardization of Duetch.

Although I work in the 3rd largest city in Pennsylvania, it is not uncommon to hear a co-worker ask, "Is is making down yet?". Even though I'm a transplant, I know the correct response: "Yah, it's making down goot, but not dunnerwetter, say?" (Is it still raining outside? Yes, very hard, but I don't think we'll have thunderstorms, do you?). We also share traditions such as Faschnacht day.

The Amish aren't shy or standoffish. They are humble. You can't maintain humility if you are a tourist attraction. But if you visit and want to talk with the Amish, go to one of their farmer's markets. In addition to food that is unbelievably tasty, the Amish will talk to their customers.

They are a peaceful people, and an easy target. Even after the murders, they show no animosity, in fact show forgiveness, to the killer. It's all about being humble.

For most of us, when something bad happens, we say "Why me?" Those who practice humility, like the Amish, answer that with "Why not me? Why do I think I'm so special that the tragedy that affects the world should skip me." It is this acceptance that allows them to avoid the anger and grieve in peace.

Hours after the killings, Amish neighbors went to visit the family of the man responsible to show forgiveness. That family attended the Amish girls funerals and many Amish attends the murder's service. That isn't that uncommon. Drivers who have killed Amish in auto accidents are invited to the funerals to show there are no grudges.

So it's ironic that Fred Phelps and his gang of thugs threatened to protest at the Amish children's funerals. I'm unsure why. The above link blames PA Governor Ed Rendel for signing legislation that forbid protesting at funerals. Now I'm all in favor of free speech, but protesting a funeral? Unless you believe that the deceased is still alive, protest somewhere else. Let family and friends grieve in peace.

But then I read this interview with Shirley Phelps-Roper, the daughter of Fred Phelps, by Alan Colmes. Here is the most despicable dialogue:

COLMES: Did those girls deserve to be killed?

PHELPS-ROPER: Well, they did get killed, and they did that. Who controls the hearts of men? It was at the hand of an angry God those girls are dead.

COLMES: Did they deserve to die?

PHELPS-ROPER: They did deserve to die.

COLMES: How you can possibly make a statement like that?

PHELPS-ROPER: Because that's exactly what happened, and it happened at the hand of the lord your God.

I'm not even going to comment on the insane logic. Or that Fox Network is giving these people air time. Maybe on another post.

I'm sure all of Phelps lunatic flock were WWJD? buttons and shirts. But what would Jesus have done? Would he go and cause pain to those who have lost their children? Or would he have offered comfort, even to those who have caused him harm?

I think Jesus is on the side of the Amish.

Tags: Amish
Tags: Fred Phelps

Rogue Scholars

If you want a laugh, go to Tod Goldberg's blog. He has a fine example of what to do with hate mail.

Just go there. You will laugh.

Medieval Pennsylvania

This is the 21st century, isn't it? Women do have rights, don't they? A doctor in Lebanon Country, Pa, doesn't think so.

A firestorm of controversy has erupted over a young woman who was denied emergency contraception after she said she was raped.

The emergency room doctor in this case said it is against his religious beliefs to give out what has been called the morning after pill, even after a rape. The morning after pill is a high dose of birth control medicine that can prevent pregnancy.

The doctor was quoted as saying:

Dr. Martin Gish, a Mennonite, was quoted in a local newspaper saying, "The dilemma I have is the whole rape issue. Which side are you more concerned with? Are you more concerned about the mother or the life that was possibly created? That's my dilemma."

Reading between the lines, it would seem that the doctor has a problem with rape. I'm not sure what the "dilemma" is.

And obviously, he is more concerned with the possible creation of life that the welfare of the woman. And why would that be? Why is this such a dilemma? Perhaps it is because a woman's life or welfare is less important than her serving her purpose. To procreate.

Or maybe he thinks we live in Afghanistan, where a woman who is raped is accused of adultery.

And I guess is doesn't matter that the "woman" involved is a child. Or that she had forced intercourse. Or that she was brutalized in a way that most rape victims describe as a "little death". That she will never look at the world or people in the same way. That she will never really trust again. If you want to read a first person account of what rape does to a woman, go to BB's blog, The Den of the Biting Beaver. She explains it more elegantly than I ever could.

The concern here is that this doctor is forcing his beliefs on his patients. And while one might question that a patient can go to another doctor, this guy is an emergency room physician. Most people going into an emergency room don't have a choice. That sort of if the definition of an emergency.

My beliefs about abortion have always been if you don't like abortion, don't have one. Personally, I'm not completely comfortable with abortion, but I am less comfortable with anyone dictating what a person should do with her own body. Especially a rape victim.

There is a bill being introduced in the Pennsylvania house to require hospitals to rectify this. Personally, if you're a physician who doesn't like emergency contraceptives, then you shouldn't be working an emergency room.

Sunflowers

I'd always felt that sunflowers had been overdone in the past few years. I mean, after Van Gogh, why bother?

But Mother Nature is the true artist, and here are a few of my sunflowers from my garden.



big yellow flowers

Jesus hates your thighs

Darling Daughter wanted to go camping with her friends. Camping is something I enjoyed at her age (14), but hate now. I felt guilty depriving her of this experience. So when the opportunity presented itself, I was quite happy.

The downside is that the camp is a church camp. Now we are spiritual people, but not religious. Not for lack of trying, I'm a non-practicing Catholic, Lutheran, Wiccan, and Neo-nonsensical pagan.

The particular church involved in this camp is the Mormon church. Now you may wonder I would allow my daughter to attend a camp that is run by one of the more strict and conservative religious organizations.

Well it wasn't just an opportunity for her to live for a week without a blow dryer and makeup. First reason: The family that runs the camp are very good friends of mine. And they are a nice family. Regardless of what I may think of their religion, they are loving families who take care and nurture one another.

Second reason: I want my kid to be tolerant of others. Tolerance gets a bad rap, but I believe that tolerance is the solution to prejudice. Of course, tolerance is not a blanket to accept any behavior. But even though I think most religious people are full of shit, as long as they don't hurt anyone, or become a pain in the ass about it, or try to make laws so that I have to follow their rules, it's Ok with me if they want to be full of shit. I'll tolerate it.

Now this camp has rules, one of which was a "modesty standard". The girls are not allowed to wear shorts above their knees, only one piece bathing suits, no tank tops or sleeveless shirts and no belly shirts or halters. I thought this would be a deal breaker for my daughter, because, much to my disappointment, she is the fashion goddess. But she surprised me and said it didn't matter, because she really wanted to go to the camp, and didn't care about the clothing.

So off we went to shop for camping supplies and modest clothing. While shopping in Foreman Mills, darling daughter picked up a cute tank and short set. I said, "Put that down, don't you know that Jesus hates your thighs? And your shoulders too." Then she grabbed a halter and said, "Can't buy that, Jesus hates my stomach."

We continued throughout the store, commenting on what Jesus would not approve. I'm not sure what the other shoppers thought of our commentary, but we were cracking each other up.

Blasphemy can be a great topic for mother-daughter bonding.