Monday, July 17, 2006

Gone...But just for a little while

I'm back.

I didn't die, or get sick. Nor did I win the lottery or run away on a spur of the moment vacation. Unfortunately, I wasn't consumed in writing my novel, either.

I was depressed.

And as is my way, I shut down. Not like you see on television or in the movies where someone gets so depressed they can't get out of bed. I got up and went to work, took care of my kid, kept appointments. But that was it. I did the bare minimum that I had to do. I was surviving, but not really living. This is what I do when depression hits me. And I do that until it passes (which it always does--thank the gods!).

June 25 was the 9th anniversary of my husband's death.

I don't know why the grief overpowered me this year. But it did. Entirely. It was surprising because I thought I had absorbed the grief. That I had internalized it. That being a widow had become such a part of me that the sadness, while always there, had just become a facet of my personality.

Once again, I was wrong.

July is usually a good month for me. My daughter's birthday and mine are in July. Also, the date that my daughter's adoption was finalized is in July. Those are happy dates. But the depression continued.

The only extraneous thing I did was work my garden, particularly the compost pile. Now it may sound odd, but I enjoy composting as much as gardening. Every time I turn my compost, I thank the earth for what it has given me, and offer the return of the nutrients. Of course, part of me says, "Hey, you're playing with garbage", but it doesn't deter me.

If I get a chance, I'll post some pictures of my garden. It's not huge or particularly noteworthy, except that I'm a city girl, and this is my first venture into horticulture.

Something about the plants growing out of the earth, makes me feel insignificant and wondrous. Either that, or I'm spending too much time in the sun.


SuperFiancee said...

Very glad to see you around, Julia!! And really sorry to hear you've been dealing with what you have. Never having been through anything like that, I have no idea how long it would take to get to the point where you're "beyond it", but I would imagine that 9 years isn't nearly long enough for that pain to stop. My heart goes out to you.

As for your garden, I think yours sounds wonderful. Our current place doesn't really have a good spot for one, so I've had to settle for a few pots/boxes on the porch. It lets me get my fix, but I'd much rather be growing some veggies and some bigger flowers. Digging in the earth, helping things to grow is very therapeutic for me and very spiritual. It comes as no surprise to me that you're as into it as you are right now. It gives you a chance to help things grow and live, and working as you do it helps get that stress out. I'd love to see some pics!

Take care of you and I hope you find some semblance of peace soon! You deserve it.

Claire said...

SGF has said it really well, so I'll just add: welcome back.

Voix said...

Good job getting through the grief -- there isn't an easy or graceful way to do it, as I'm sure you know. All you can do is wake up every morning and put your pants on one leg at a time. Glad you're back and digging in the dirt.