Wednesday, December 07, 2005

December 7

December 7th. To most people in the US, this means Pearl Harbor. But for me, this day has another significance. It was my wedding day, 9 years ago.

Normally, this would be called an anniversary. But I don't use that word. My husband died 6 months after we were married. Since we never had an anniversary together, I feel that I never had a wedding anniversary.

My husband had cancer. A brain tumor. A Glioblastoma Multeforme. Whatever you call it, it was a death sentence. I always believed he would live longer. I thought we'd get at least one anniversary.

All of the shit we had to go through: Surgery, radiation, chemo. He lost most of his sight, all of his hair, his short term memory, his sex drive, his appetite, his stamina--all of that we took in stride.

Time heals all wounds. Whoever said that never watched a loved one die. Time doesn't heal. Time just makes your wounds become a part of you. A part of your life, so much that you don't even see them anymore. But the wound is still there, still open, and when something--like a special day--comes and pokes that wound with a stick, the pain is as fresh as it was the first day you were hurt.

But the odd thing is, you don't mind it as much. Time has make it such a part of your life that it is surprising to still feel that wound. When I feel that pain of loss, I also feel all the love and joy we shared. I don't curse the gods or fate or whatever. Life dealt us a rotten hand, that's all. My husband and I did a lot of living in a short time.

But I still feel cheated that I never got a wedding anniversary with my husband.

6 comments:

Ben Varkentine said...

Very well put, Julia. And I'm sorry that had to happen to you.

Julia said...

thanks

Highlander said...

Truly sorry for your loss, Julia.

My best friend Jeff committed suicide on January 13, 1996. So, for me, January 13 is generally a down day. Sometimes it sneaks up on me... I don't even realize what day it is and I'll ask myself why I'm so moody and irritable, and then I'll realize... it's January 13th.

It's not the same as what you're going through, but I miss Jeff a lot. So I know a little bit of what you feel.

Julia said...

A loss is a loss. No two are the same, but in a way they all are similar. You know, For Whom the Bell Tolls and all that shit.

And I am also sorry for your loss.

Mark said...

December 7th was the day my mother died 36 years ago. It was quite a trauma for a 7 year-old, and the date is still tinged with sorrow for me.

So sorry for your loss.

Joolya said...

I'm so sorry. I wish there were more profound words than that to offer. Aniversaries are very hard, and sneak up on you like Highlander says. Best wishes this difficult season.